Forty-two

Having crossed the magical age of forty-two, I’ve been waiting for epiphany to strike, enlightenment to follow, and wisdom to permeate my life. Thanks to Douglas Adam’s revelation in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy that the number forty-two represents the meaning of life, the universe, and everything, I was eager to cross that threshold of self-reflection.

But I am sorry to say that not much has happened since.

Age is just a number, and I have learnt from my profession that numbers don’t lie, but they can help words hide a lie.

At forty-two, I realised that the number hides one of the biggest lies of our lifetime – adulthood.

We claim it as soon as we turn eighteen. We enjoy it as soon as we leave our schools. We embark on it with our first job and the subsequent milestones, but we never really understand it.

Deep in our hearts, we know we have never come to terms with it. It becomes worse when we realise that our elders have never come to terms with theirs, so there’s no point turning to them for help.

But that doesn’t mean that we do not learn. Adulthood, as does childhood, offers plenty of lessons. While childhood is all about exploration and dreams, adulthood too offers opportunities to trim the unwanted and embrace the new. Unless someone wants to be stuck in the rut.

Despite the disappointment of not having epiphanies the moment I turned forty-two, I’ve been reflecting on the lessons I learnt so far.

This is an attempt at a pre-mid-life assessment, and you can stop reading at this point if you’re not interested.

Others, please bear with me as I compile and distil my thoughts. (Not everyone should become a writer, said Rakhshanda Jalil on a podcast. The more I write, the more I feel she is correct).

But before I reflect on the lessons I learned from my life, I must review the ones I received from my parents and ancestors. At least the ones I have held close to my heart.

1. Nature has her own logic. The ones who understand are fortunate. The ones who don’t should not try to intervene. The ones who ignore do the most damage.
   My parents, grandparents, and ancestors did not entirely live off the land. They worked in various professions to earn a living, but they remained close to nature and, wherever possible, left her alone to thrive. They understood the soil around them, appreciated the gifts they received from it, and understood how water nourished it.
2. Hard work, integrity, empathy, love, and food form a universally understood language.
   My parents and grandparents migrated, lived away from their homes, and thrived despite not knowing the local language. They discovered that honest aspirations, sincere efforts, and an ability to share were the best forms of communication. Or perhaps they lived in a world that appreciated these virtues.
3. Respect knowledge, not wealth. I grew up respecting words and ideas more than things. My parents saw reading as a habit, not a hobby. Books were as vital as food and treasured in my home. Like any middle-class family, education was seen as a path to success.
4. Politeness is not a sign of weakness. Being polite was not a matter of choice but a sign of education and culture. Politeness in speech, thoughts, and actions, often misconstrued in today’s world as a weakness and indecisiveness, was a habit to be cultivated.
5. Family is the most essential unit of the society. Everything started from within the family. Everything began and ended at home. Families fight but reunite. They have differences but have the strongest similarities. Time spent with the family was always well-spent.

Childhood makes a mark on our entire lives. But as you grow, you unlearn some things while building on what you learnt as a child. Here are a few things I learnt as I tackled work, parenthood, and family life.

1. Not everything our ancestors did ensures that nature is unharmed. Some traditions are helpful, but others may be irrelevant. Learn to discern both. There is a lot we do not understand about nature, and if we don’t try, sooner or later, we will be forced to reckon with her power.
2. Hard work and sincerity are often underappreciated. Stay away from those who do not understand the importance of these in life. At some point in life, we might feel that shortcuts make life simpler, and taking them might make us more successful. It is a farcical thought and merely a mirage. Success through unscrupulous means never lies easy on our shoulders
3. Wealth is essential, but it brings trouble if we do not define what is enough for us. There is truth in the idiom: time is money. Money buys us time. It allows us to spend time with our loved ones and do what we love. But we have to find the sweet spot between the anxiety of making money and the insouciance of a fool.
4. Health is wealth will always remain true. Being healthy mentally, physically, and emotionally should be a priority in one’s life. Taking care of oneself is not selfishness. It is the art of remaining relevant in society, as we can contribute more efficiently.
5. Assertion can be polite. Aggressiveness is not. Treading the delicate path between the two will bring a successful career. Politeness does not mean submission. Injustice cannot be tolerated under the garb of being polite. The urge to dominate others is not the sign of a leader, but the will to find a solution is.
6. Respect has to be commanded, not demanded. A generation of children have grown up confusing obedience with good manners. Good manners are when everyone gets a chance to listen and to speak.
7. Emotional blackmailing of children looks cute in Instagram reels but is pure manipulation in real life. The lies will cause resentment and unexpressed anger in the future.
8. Having fun is not a crime. Having fun at the expense of others is. Check if everyone is enjoying the show. If our idea of fun differs from our loved ones or friends, we can still enjoy it, albeit alone or with others who can willingly join.
9. Reading is great, but not reading is also acceptable. Not everything can be learnt from books, and not everyone grows through books. It is also important to experience life in all its dimensions to gain wisdom.
10. Family is important, but friends are essential. And we can make new friends at any age. Do not despair. Family ties may bind, but true friendship liberates.
11. Being honest with your opinions about others’ lives is overrated. Step in when needed; otherwise, it is best to keep our noses in our affairs. Avoid discussing people with other people unless you have something good to say.
12. Children are not our clones nor our followers. As parents, the sooner you help them develop a personality and character of their own, the easier parenting becomes. Do not fight their battles for them, but teach them to use their resources judiciously.
13. Use your time wisely. Be aware of the rhythm of the clock. Time flies when we are doing something we love but crawls when we aren’t. At the same time, be wary of living in the terror of the clock. The biggest freedom we can have is control over how we use our time, but it is best not to impinge on others. Respecting others’ time is good manners.
14. Do not compare with others. Compare with your own past self. Have you grown? Comparing with others is a futile exercise. If we crave others’ happiness we need to take on their challenges and sorrows too. Everyone has problems in life. We must develop our resilience to cope with ours rather than blame it on others.
15. Politics is necessary but not everything in life. Be wary of losing the ability to think rationally and objectively. If you cannot raise a question, you are not free.

I will keep adding to these lessons. Or, I might upend them, scratch them off, and relearn. But that is life, isn’t it? Change is the only constant.

Photo by Quang Anh Ha Nguyen on Pexels.com